Airline Cabin Announcements

[Woodzie]

Airline Cabin Announcements



All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline’s fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,” Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

[Philip]

Lol!! Lol !!
More please.
Look my first attempt at Techno speak.

[frog-n-flymo]

My personal favourite on a BA flight from Southampton to Jersey we were reliable informed during the safety demo that: "each life jacket is equipped with a whistle that can be used for attracting sharks";
Another time, same route on FlyMaybe after a severe mating of the plane with the tarmac the captain announced: "Thank you ladies & gentlemen, my co-pilot will now be returning to flight school"

[Tallyman]

Woodzie, you are very bad for my health. I nearly choked laughting so much!

[Woodzie]

Originally Posted by Tallyman

Woodzie, you are very bad for my health. I nearly choked laughting so much!

At xmas i was bad for a number of surfs health aswell

[Apache]

Had one when landing after an internal flight from Chicago.

"Ladies and gentleman, may I welcome you to Amarillo, where the weather is... etc etc"

After a moment of consternation where everyone was straining to see out of the window and looking at each other worriedly...

"Oh sorry ladies and gentleman. Did I say Amarillo? I meant Albuquerque"

__________________________

Another one when we were diverted to Rimini when on the way to Birmingham on a 737, which isn't funny but made me glad to get on the ground.

After some rather odd manoeuvring which felt like someone pushing me hard sideways, the pilot announced that he was having "a little problem with the rudder" and was going to divert to Rimini "as a precaution".

We arrived at Rimini and the weather was totally $$$$ (Rimini is not a good place to land in bad weather) and it took him four goes. On the last go he announced that we had to go there now as he would need more fuel anyway to get to Birmingham. On the last approach I was looking out of the side window straight down the runway, and then he'd kick it straight. (Felt to me like the rudder was travelling uncommanded to one side - 737s have a history of rudder problems, some fatal). Boy did he put it down to stay down! Half of the overhead bins opened, depositing stuff all over passengers!

One new aeroplane later ($$$$$$ hours later!) we were on our way again. I have never been so glad to get on the ground though!

[legendgamesmaster]

only ever had 2 bad landings and this was teh worst:

we took an internal flight in India from Bombay to Goa. The start was iffy... the plane had multiple dents to the nosecone.... It was backed up to the 'blast shield' chevron thingies at the end of the runway... he 'left foot braked' throttle to the floor and we 'wheelspun' up the runway with the engines screaming and almost shaking themselves off the mounings(you get the picture) ...

now, Goa airport is a long single runway sticking out into the sea, about 20 or 30 metres above sea level (if i remember correctly)

We approached, dropping smoothly, came in parallel still dropping, then the wheels came down and we turned 180 without ANY increase in throttle... we dropped to the height of the palm trees, I saw coconut farmers stare into the cabin with wide eyed disbelief.

The stewardess was praying out loud, the lad in front of me was digging his fingernails into the seat arms and was ghost white.

the pilot pulled back on the stick, full power, the wing tips were cavitating, the engines literally screaming and vibrating and we came in at take-off angle (or more) and i'm thinking this must be a b1tch of a short runway to land on....

we hit hard, and took all the EXTRA LONG runway to stop. So long that hugh military lifters were stationed there.......

when we got off, the pilot was shivering, soaked in sweat. the lad in front of me turned round and said 'that was a near death landing' and I said, 'dont worry mate, they know what they are doing' to which he replied 'dont be so sure, Im training to be a pilot...... and that was close.'

our friends of the ground said they thought we were going to crash, we just fell out of the sky.....

I feel that might have been a near death experience!

there is an up-side... the inflight meal was a cracker, lentil dhal, chappaties, rice and chicken curry. Yum!

[The Ferret]

Very good. I like it, Ilike it a lot!!

Ferret